Ingrid Michaelson - Sort Of

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me,
this early morning, the moon looks too big for you, my love
Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
and makes me grow tall and strong and proud
then flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you, my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I would leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
but here I am, and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
that your sort of mouth just will not say
the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you, my love
My love's too big for you, my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I would leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
but here I am, and here we go again

Tell me what to do to take away the you,
take away the you
take away the you...

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I would leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
but here I am, and here we go again


-


Here is a song I need, and here is a song with such a hopeful tune. It's as though it's trying to cheer the lyrics up. I love this.

I sometimes feel I can't write and want to delete certain posts so that people can't see the lousy side of me. But I always pretend nobody ever reads this, and I'm quite sure not many people read this anyway, so I keep them here as some kind of reference point. Gravity is currently my favourite song, because Mia Michaels made a very beautiful choreography about addiction on so you think you can dance season 5. The music went perfectly with the dance and I feel a lot for it.


Kayla and Kupono - Gravity

Result of being too bored at work,
27th May 2012, Tampines Safra

Googled 1) short attention span in reading. 2) Why do people dislike reading. 3) What is intelligence. 4) Are iq tests reliable.

Then typed the following on memopad of my phone and decided to transfer it over because I might lose my memos again, because these have always been floating around my head. Lastly, because I dislike voicing out my opinions for fear that they might be 'wrong' and will be judged, I will make myself put up my "completely unpolished thoughts" on the internet. Hah, take that, myself.

(Anyway, upon hindsight I realised my my mind still works in that extremely jumbled up manner haha)

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What exactly is the debate on 'what is intelligence' about, and why is it needed? Iq tests measure intelligence based on society's standards, the form of intelligence the society needs. Maybe there will never be a definition to 'intelligence', because intelligence comes in too many forms. We can continually discover different forms of intelligence, and 'rank' people of such abilities, but is there actually a point?

I shall digress a little. What, in the first place, brought up this debate? If debates arise out of emotional reactions, and the need to voice out arises out of emotional needs, does the 'right' and 'wrong' matter, and isn't 'right' and 'wrong' already biased (since it's kind of, emotional)? Which truth can actually be trusted? Which kinds of information can be trusted? In actual fact, none. There is no truth on earth. More of scientific facts, yes (and maybe). But not our opinions on things.

So the only way to go about, is for people to choose the school of thought they believe in. The purpose of debates, is to give us a chance to be a voice in the world, to find people that agree with us. Also, maybe a debate isn't about 'winning' or 'losing'. If you end up 'buying' someone else's argument, it does not mean you have lost. It means the person has drawn more distinctions you haven't previously known, and upon realising these distinctions, you 'buy' it.

The question is, why do we always want to 'win' debates by wanting others to accept our point of view? So what if they buy our argument and so what if they don't? Winning or losing does not mean anything, following the point made of the previous paragraph.

So what is the real reason as to why we want to debate?
1) Talk to people which will help us draw distinctions
2) Feel satisfaction in knowing we have helped someone else draw distinctions, more satisfaction if they buy our argument.

However, if it happens that the other person really does make more sense than us, most of us would buy the other person's argument. Thus, debates are for BOTH reasons, not just one.

Note to self: why do I always feel like things only have ONE reason, and not a mixture? Why do I always feel the strong need for things to lean towards ONE side? Which experiences have shaped me and which part of my upbringing caused me to think this way?

-
I think this is average and really wish I were better with words.

Dance, music and stories are absolutely in.cre.di.ble.

I love watching the introductory parts to the routines - the choreographer describing the piece briefly and also how the dancers personally relate to it. The introduction gives the premise to which I can interpret the piece. Otherwise, I'd be interpreting it too personally and that would be taking away the point of the work - to bring the choreographer's message across, understand what she has to say.

I think art isn't necessarily a self-absorbed thing as we mostly think it to be. It isn't just about interpreting things your way (unless you're creating eg. choreographers creating a dance, and therefore having to interpret music their own way). Art is also, and mostly, about trying to understand what others want to say. Interpretation is about keeping our senses open, not just trying to relate to pieces.

(my vocabulary range is pathetic. but you get what i mean.)

I was tearing while watching several routines from so you think you can dance (all the older seasons), and was wondering why I could relate to sadness so much more. The tears just welled up and I couldn't figure out why. So I found a response to someone who asked "why do my eyes well up with tears when I hear something moving?", which I could relate to:

" Same exact thing happened to me, and I was astounded. I was the type of person who *never* cried. And then, presto, as I got closer to 30, suddenly I was welling up to everything you said, including sports stories. 


I asked my mama if she experienced the same thing, and she said, yes, it's quite natural. It's called maturity. As you get older, you begin to be moved more by the beautiful, the poetic, the overwhelming odds, love, anything that overcomes your sense of cynicism about the human condition. You begin to understand loss. You begin to realize that life isn't going to last forever, that people do die, that most people out there have loved ones and love in return. You realize how awful it is when people don't have loved ones. You begin to grasp what your parents - and other parents - have gone through with their children, and you grasp the horribleness when people haven't experienced that with their own children or have it cruelly yanked away. You understand you aren't immortal, and even more excruciatingly, the people you love aren't either. You understand that there is famine and war, and the consequences of each. You become more moved when someone demonstrates those traits of the human condition you so desperately want to believe in. 


In short, you start to understand how hard life is, and how hard it is to be human, and you are moved when someone overcomes it, and you are moved when someone doesn't. In short, you come out of that time of life called your teens and early twenties, and understand that the world isn't about you.


Anyway, that's what my Mama said. God, I love her."

-

And back to so you think you can dance, routines, or the arts in general. I like how the dances add depth to the songs. The interpretations the choreographers have made of the songs change my interpretation of the song. Every time I listen to them, the stories, the ones that the routines add life to, surface. I like how everyone has different interpretations of things which adds so much colour to any song, and once in a while someone would tell a touching story where many are able to relate to. I particularly liked Kayla and Kupono's routine with Sara Bareille's "gravity" for example. I have written everything elsewhere.

-

Now playing: Sara Bareilles' albums

Check this out:
http://www.playingforpocketchange.com/

"Playing for Pocket Change is a series featuring musicians playing on the streets and in the subways of New York City. Often overlooked and ignored, we find out exactly who these people are and what makes them want perform in what is arguably the world's strangest venue."

From Episode 5:
"I'm self taught on guitar. I play on open tunings and I play it all wrong. Ok you're not supposed to play the way I play. I think for us we both realized that you don't have to be a Berklee school graduate (a renown contemporary music college in Boston, USA). All you have to do is come out and connect with people".

A singaporean youth was playing outside Tampines mrt a couple of days back, and I was just thinking of how this whole street side musician thing wouldn't grow in Singapore. Besides, he looked pretty out of place. I don't actually know why I felt he looked out of place. Maybe his music didn't attract me, maybe seeing a youth strumming on a guitar outside the mrt is not a common sight here. I regretted having that thought though.

"inspiring" is such an overused word, but I shall use it again. First thought that crossed my mind after watching a few of the videos from the site was that, maybe we could do something to change the impressions we have of street side musicians. Invite a huge bunch of youths to play around Singapore on the same day. Grab peoples' attention, make it feel like a normal and acceptable thing.

This sounds like an oversimplified idea and I haven't properly thought through the reasons why most of us wouldn't dare to strum away on our guitars on the streets. But for now I just think it'd be nice to hear some smooth jazz before I board the train on an otherwise gloomy morning. It'd be nice to greet that stranger who just played my favourite song with a smile, and we shall make each others' days.

(i think i've uploaded this photo to death but i like it. And I can't find the original non-edited shot)

My warped assessments affecting the way I think of "the display of talent, intellect and personality", or, "showing off". 

Nobody has really heard me play on the piano. Besides my neighbours, of course. I guess one friend has heard me play, but it wasn't too impressive because I usually play for my own entertainment, and don't practice till perfection.

There is a pretty warped 'theory' of mine behind this. I know why I don't like playing in front of others. Somehow I think that playing without someone else's request is considered "showing off". And even if they do make a request, (and if you're willing to play, it means you've practised a song up to performance standard), they're bound to say "omg you're so talented!" or "omg you're so good!", and I'm bound to like being praised. 

I don't like the feeling of enjoying being praised. It makes me feel as though I do something just to be patted on the head, or looked up to. Even if I do something purely out of personal enjoyment, I would still feel that way if someone walks along and tries to put me on some pedestal. The truth is, I really yearn for others' praise, recognition and admiration. So I try to avoid any situation that shows I actually want a pat on my back, and deprive myself of it. 

Maybe I hate others knowing about this secret (and therefore hide it as much as I can) because it makes me feel needy. More importantly, I also want to prove to myself that I don't need others' validation to feel good about myself. I want to feel good about playing the piano, writing, drawing even if nobody on earth knows I can do them. There must be a day where I'd love something so much that I'll need zero validation from others, and still love it to death. Or something such as writing would be so important to me that I'd want to share its importance with others, instead of sharing and hoping they'd think I'm intellectual, talented etc. The same applies for music and perhaps art (photography/film).

I guess it's not that unhealthy to enjoy being praised, it's okay to bask in a little bit of that glory, but it should be taken as a bonus and not something you expect. My problem is that I'm so against feeling the slightest bit of joy from someone else's validation. (As I said, it makes me feel like my self-worth would be built upon others' view of me, and not upon myself). Now that is unhealthy. Someone has to give me some perspective.

-

In a positive light, I sometimes feel it's good I do this to myself. Because it helped me realise I don't actually have a huge passion for drawing even though people think I'm an 'art kid' and all. It doesn't help me express myself. I just really like being praised by others when I draw something nice. The fact that I get frustrated whenever I can't draw something with the potential of being praised by everyone simply proves the fact that I don't love drawing on its own. Okay, I DO enjoy drawing at times, especially on my friends' birthday cards, or any object they want for their birthday but can't afford, and I do get lost in the process halfway. But that is all, I don't get a BURNING DESIRE. I'm still hoping that would change, of course. 

Photography is slightly more complicated, because as much as I have received compliments and I like that feeling, sometimes I really just take photos of people and things for the fun of it. And because I turn to the piano or guitar even if nobody ever praises me, I'm sure as hell I love music. And writing as a form of expression, self discovery and communication.

-

Here are some things which I would consider showing off: 
(basically, as long as I have the intention of letting others know of my achievements. If they ask and I tell, it usually feels okay)


1) Telling others about good results (it's okay if they ask personally),
2) Drawing something and putting it online and hoping people would compliment me,
3) writing something i am proud of and making people read it (unless it really comes from the bottom of my heart, that's different),
4) playing the piano at a place where people might be watching,
5) practising a song to perfection while imagining someone praising me,
6) maybe posting an album of my best shots online (am slightly apprehensive about putting it here, because I don't feel like I'm showing off whenever I do that, but I don't know why else I'd want to post my photos online, so I'll just put it here)


I know there is a distinction between showing off and being genuinely happy/excited over something (and therefore sharing your joy with others), it's all really dependent on the intention of someone. Sadly, my assessment behind "the display of talent and intellect" is so negative that many things get labelled as "show off". That is not good.

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Now that I've written this, I feel like sharing it with someone/anyone to get some perspective on this issue. (feel okay about sharing this, because that is my genuine intention) Because this is just me assessing many things as "showing off", and associating any good feeling from being complimented with negative connotations I have behind "the display of talent, intellect and personality". 


I am sure, that amongst all the attention seeking, praise-desperate, in-need-of-ego-stroking people out there, there are people who genuinely love what they do and want to share this love with the world. Or to make the world a better place with their talents. Or maybe some just want some perspective like I do. The wise and knowledgeable will have a pure intention of making the world more well-informed and inspired, because not everyone is a stuck-up intellect who thinks he is a superior being with a bigger brain. 


[ Not that I really hate these 'stuck up', 'show-offy' people though. I understand every inch of wanting to be good enough, or perhaps better than the rest. Because all we want is to be accepted, as 'warped' as some may turn out to be in the process of achieving that. eg, arrogance, perhaps? More thought needs to be put into this point. Nonetheless, I think it's good for all of us to learn to be equals and accept one another. ]

Sometimes I think I'm really complicated, because it takes a long time to peel away all the layers around me and discover my true intentions. Okay maybe a lot of people have that problem too. You see, it'll be easy if I actually fake my way through things, cause I would be aware of my true intentions once I decide to not put on that facade. But it's weird for me now because I do things based on my genuine intentions and needs (at least at that moment I honestly think I do), and later realise my core is wrapped up in many layers of bandages, defence mechanisms and whatnot that affect my behaviour. I don't even freaking know what all these "layers" are, and they're affecting me. It feels stupid to be complicated without knowing it.

The way she stares at me when I am home, shoulders slouched, eyes droopy, stare dead, lack of energy - is unnerving. I know what she's thinking. She knows I'm disappointed, unhappy. I close the door behind me, but I can almost feel her coming up to me, with a concerned touch: it's okay, things don't work out some times, how are you feeling? I won't answer. Please don't ask me again, I don't want to be reminded. We blame it on the general atmosphere, find nothing else to put the blame on. I am convinced it is the sky, there is not a drop of energy i want to pour into it anymore. Let it sour, it shall corrode me, I shall disappear from view, until my absence has been noticed. Someone breathes life into it. Not me this time. Not me. You must know, though, that my hateful words should not be taken seriously for they are mere defence mechanisms. Perhaps I don't actually mean them. Perhaps I don't hate us. Perhaps I don't know what to do.

- cue in call it karma

I FEEL TERRIBLE BUT I CAN'T ACTUALLY TELL ANYBODY BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO ANYBODY. BUT I FEEL LONELY AT THE SAME TIME. YEAH GOODBYE I WANNA SLEEP.

I got this from (you know who you are if you don't mind me borrowing)

We were given candles on the last day of SEL and I stared at the flame for a very long time. They're my favourite things on earth. Unlike any other object, they seem to have a life of their own. I don't even know what flames are - translucent, blurred edges, protected by their own layer of heat. I tried to touch it. It didn't burn me, sent a sharp tingling sensation to my fingertips. I wouldn't mind touching it again because I can stare at this matter of amazement all day, and get the urge to feel it for split seconds over and over again.

The tips of the four fingers on my left hand feel slight pain every time I press lightly against them, beneath a layer of semi-hardened skin. I have thoughts of subjecting them to more forms of labour to gain the desired hardness. I felt satisfaction when they hurt, while I was making them grab cereal squares, the hard corners they have to meet. More pain means they'll grow thicker. I am thinking, perhaps other forms of self-inflicted pain aren't as complicated as we think they are. Simply, pain is the process of a certain form of satisfaction, and pain is equated to satisfaction. We all have different forms of satisfaction anyway. (This is supposed to be a "screwed up thought").

The other fingers on videos seem to slide across the frets so easily, I wish mine would do the same soon. I hope they would grow thick and numb to pain and with their newly acquired body shape, dance across the metal strings with ease as well. This is the story of how my fingers took a long break during my A's, and had to wait a month  for the broken guitar to return even after they were free. I think my piano feels neglected now, but there are other things I have to attend to too.

Remembered Don't look back in anger today and played it. I hope my fingers become more deformed so I can finally play properly. Other than that, I read a good book today and my mom probably read my notes because she asked me a question which made me sad. Of course I didn't answer it.

There is nothing much I want to write here lately, I prefer paper and pen, and the trusty binded book i can shut. Perhaps the mind of someone who will listen as well.

Sometimes I feel like I am different in many people's eyes, and I don't know which opinion should trust. I thought I trusted my own opinion, until I realised it only applies when I'm alone.

I am certain I am not interested in book with plots. The book I am reading is "stop what you're doing and read this!", a collection of 10 essays from different authors about why we need to read. Thought that should be useful.

Things written in first person make you feel like you're peering into someone's mind, someone's life. It's personal, I like it. I like reading essays, posing questions that relate to me.

It is 1:35 am, and I do not want my father to barge in and try to prove right what he said this afternoon. So, sleep it is.

Don't feel too good about turning more judgemental than I used to be.

I think I should start spending more time alone again.

My neighbour said she's happy for me. It makes me happy when people say that. Like, congratulations, you have proved your worth. I like it when people only find out when they ask, because the ones who care will ask.  Anybody else who isn't really in my life wouldn't know what I'm up to now. There's nothing too great about me now. But I still kind of like how I am normal after falling so low.

Also, I don't like telling people things about me. It's nice if they dig things up themselves. It shows they're genuinely interested.

Why does everyone say I'm vulnerable? I'm not denying it, just wondering, which part of me is vulnerable?

say goodbye like I did many times. well we're not really saying goodbye, i'm just doing so in my mind, in that sense. in that sense you can't make sense of. in that sense you always can't make sense of.

Gotye ft. Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know

so when we found that we could not make sense.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Made a playlist of 480 songs we used to listen to back in the primary school/secondary school days. The ones everybody's bound to know. Feels good.